Pairing: Angel/Lindsey
Note: Song Fic - 'More Than That' by Backstreet Boys
Spoilers: Prodigal, Blind Date, Epiphany
Timeline: Pre-Dead End.
Summary: Unable to hold back his feeling any longer, Angel found himself waiting for Lindsey at his apartment.
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I can see that you've been crying
You can't hide it with a lie
What's the use in you denying
That what you have is wrong
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Something was wrong. I could feel it, a twisting, nervous sensation in my gut. Damn it! I clenched my already closed eyes in concentration, hoping my vampire senses would pick up something my human side failed to notice.
I opened them and got up a moment later, when my other half disappointed me as well. Pulling a black shirt over my head, not caring if the action messed up my hair, and walked upstairs to the office. The sun was setting; meaning it was time for patrol soon, but not quite yet.
I sat down at the table using the seat opposite of me as an ottoman and watched the darkening outside world pass. I rested my temple against the cold window and the plastic blinds then sighed as the guilt rushed in.
I recalled my encounters with Lindsey, the man who seemed to have taken over my thoughts completely. It was strange how I wasn’t aware of the despair and helplessness in those gorgeous cerulean eyes until I was back in my fortress, when I wasn’t blinded with anger.
Well, no time to send myself on another guilt trip. The sun had disappeared over the horizon minutes ago. Brooding would have to wait; there were people, innocent people, that I needed to help. With that thought in mind, I shrugged into my long coat and left the hotel.
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I heard he promise you forever
But forevers come and go
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As I finished typing up my latest report and put the papers neatly in a folder, I couldn’t help but look out the window behind me. It was truly an amazing view; the last rays of sunshine coated the entire city in golden light. Unconsciously, I pressed my face against the glass and shielded my eyes with my hands to block out the glare from the setting sun.
I stared at my right hand. It was a parting gift from Darla. A few days after she left, a demon with regeneration power came to me with a ‘thank you’ message from Darla and the objective of giving me a new hand. By the time the sleeping powder the demon sprinkled on me had worn off, I had two hands and was alone in my bed.
Darla. The mention of the vampiress’s name didn’t pain me like I thought it would. And I knew why. When I was slamming away with the sledgehammer, it wasn’t Angel I was jealous of; it was Darla. For she got closer to the vampire than I ever could. I couldn’t offer Angel forever; I didn’t see a point in it. Darla offered him that, and looked what she did to him? However, I could give Angel my word, my heart and a promise I would hold true till my dying day.
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Baby he would say whatever
It takes to keep you blind
To the truth between the lines
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I was practically growling in frustration as I strolled around the neighborhood, and unable to find any monsters. I needed something to distract me from Lindsey, anything. I closed my eyes, hoping when I reopened them, there would be a demon, any demon for me to hunt down. My mouth hung opened in shock when I realized that I had walked to the lawyer’s apartment. I shot my feet a venomous glare for they brought me to the place that I tried to avoid at all costs. I couldn’t help but blame Cordelia, who had managed to hack into the DMV, for she had dangled the piece of paper with Lindsey’s new address on it in front of my face few days ago.
Sighing, I let my mind roam as I sneaked in the building successfully and sat down outside Lindsey’s door. Leaning back on the wood, Lindsey’s face after we had delivered the kids to their mentor safely popped in my head. When he smiled, the liquid pools of blue bared their secrets to me. That look in his eyes assuaged all my doubts and fears of losing the mortal. Ironically, I was proven wrong when Lindsey didn’t return later that night and I waited like a fool on the roof for hours.
It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Lindsey had gone back to Wolfram and Hart, back to the carefully spun web of fake promises. I wanted to storm into the new fifth floor office and tear off the blindfold Holland placed over those sapphire eyes. But I didn’t. Again, my foolish pride got in the way. It told me that there was no need of chasing after someone who betrayed my trust. Yet now I wished I had gone after him. I let the only chance of getting Lindsey back slip through my fingers. The worst part of it was that I did it willingly.
But not this time. I had let enough good things in my life slither away from me and I wasn’t going to do it again. Pride and ego weren’t as important as a companion in life; I wanted to make things right again. I needed to.
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Oh I will love you more than that
I won't say those words then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that
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Snapping out of my trance, I glanced down at the file on the desk; it was the newest game plan against Angel, waiting to be approved by Nathan Reed when I turned it in tomorrow morning. I couldn’t help but doubt myself. Did I really want to do this? Playing the ultimate enemy of Angel? Increasing his hatred and anger toward me even higher?
I knew I could have had a place by the souled vampire’s side, along with Wesley, Cordelia and their newest member, Gunn. I also knew that I threw it all away when a promotion was offered, when the dirt-poor boy in me screamed and protested the idea of turning down wealth and security. I knew money didn’t equal security, but it was close enough. Then why didn’t it seem as important to me now as it was then?
It was a rude awakening when I finally realized that Angel was my only defense against vulnerability. But it was too late to turn back. The once opened arms of the dark hero were now tightly griped fists, ready to bash my face in.
‘I love him.’ I felt my face contorted when my heart spoke the truth. “He doesn’t love me!” I shouted to the empty office and let it echoed. “But I still love him.” I sobbed silently as I fed the report to the shredder and made copies of some important files and records. Suddenly, the conversation I had with Nathan earlier this week popped into my mind. He told me that I was a strong individual, and I would get what I wanted if I went after it. He was right. Lindsey McDonald wasn’t a man who runs from failures! I wasn’t the type to sit in the dark and mope.
I let the tears roll down my cheek, knowing they would be the last ones I shed. I stepped out of my office with the disks in my briefcase and headed home after completely destroying the hard drive of my computer. Tonight was for the truth and getting rid of the coward Lindsey, I would be sitting in my living room, with a bottle of bourbon in my hands to purge a man who will never be mine from my heart. Tomorrow, I would show up at Angel Investigation and ask for a job.
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Baby you deserve much better
What's the use in holding on
Don't you see it's now or never
'Cause I just can't be friends
Baby knowing in the end
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Anticipation mingled with exhilaration inside of me just knowing that Lindsey was near. An overpowering feeling that any second he might suddenly appear. Stupid. Irrational. What would I say to Lindsey to make everything all right? I winced as I remembered Lindsey’s voice the night he came to me like an avenging angel, an angel with a sledgehammer.
His voice had been hollow and haunted, as he asked me the one question I didn't want to answer. Not even to myself, so I did the only thing I could, I responded with violence, destroying the man I loved with brutal beating of both the body and spirit.
I made up my mind while waiting for Lindsey to get home. I would beg and plead for him to give me a second chance, another chance to pull him out of the darkness, another chance for him to open up his heart to me like he did in my office, telling me about his past which I mocked cruelly.
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Oh I will love you more than that
I won't say those words then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
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I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the vision of an angel, literally. The souled vampire was sitting in front of my door, with his head tilted back and his legs stretched out. Every cell of my body felt the electric jolt of happiness at the sight, but then the delight was replaced by fear. I wasn’t scared of any physical threat, but the emotional attack. Angel hated me.
I almost laughed out loud as those words came into mind. I covered my mouth with my new hand, hoping to hold back the gut wrenching knowledge that there was no way I could possibly live up to the trust he'd given me, and the way I tossed it aside. I was destined to fail him. Destined to let him down. Somehow. Some way. Someday. I'd been able to keep him at a distance by using sarcasm, hatred, a truck and a terrible battering or whatever came in handy. But now... I didn't know if I had the strength to push him away when Angel just sat there, like a lost child. My heart, my soul was always open to him like a book.
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There's not a day that passes by
I don't wonder why we haven't tried
It's not too late to change your mind
So take my hand don't say goodbye
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My head popped up and my heart leapt when I heard the heavy and tired footsteps approaching. But one look into those blue eyes, I felt hopeless. They were full of hostility, no longer did the warmth linger there. Lindsey hated me. Those words rippled like a stone tossed in a lake, spreading in perfect symmetry, reaching out forever with no resolution. I closed my eyes again to hold back the tears. If only I could change everything. I laughed quietly, bitter and short. Regret had become my constant companion. It was ever present, just like the craving for warm, sweet blood within me.
Without a second thought, I jumped up and started running away. I needed to get away before Lindsey could say a word, before he could do anything that would only make me sink deeper.
But it was too late. "Angel!" He called out, his voice, anxious, yet no hint of fear.
In the back of my blissfully stunned mind, a little niggling detail of us being enemies had been lost in the glorious ecstasy of the moment, Lindsey sounded eager to see me. But eventually, that thought chose to abruptly penetrate the fog of my emotions, and my feelings of joy came to a screeching halt. Unwillingly, I turned and looked over my shoulder. Might as well get this over with.
"Hey, Linds." I said at last. The greeting came out soft, hoarse and tinged with anger, though the ire was directed at myself, for my cowardice. Slowly, I stepped closer, and held his delicate face within my hands.
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I will love you more than that
I won't say those words, then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that
=======
I stared back at him, trapped in his gaze like a snake by a charmer. His lips were nearing mine and my eyelids started to close. I welcomed his touch even as I dreaded it. It was like dying, inevitable, something you held off as long as you could but in the end, you gave in to it. For some inexplicable reason, his lips didn’t land on my mouth, they were placed on my forehead.
My eyes snapped open in shock, and intimate chocolate browns focused on me as their owner pulled me into an embrace. I buried my nose in his coat. It smelled like him, and I found myself shamelessly inhaling his scent; it was as addictive to me as wealth once had been.
Tenderly, Angel traced his thumb across my cheekbone, drawing his hand down the side of my face, leaving his thumb hovering over my lips. His fingers grazed my skin in an almost gossamer touch. He was my world, without him, I had nothing. That was the conclusion I had drawn as I enjoyed his touch. I won't let him slip away again, I couldn’t afford to.
“Angel...” I whispered.
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Oh I will love you more than that
I won't say those words then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that
======
The breathy tone of my name caught my attention. I lifted his face up by his chin, and held his gaze for a moment.
“I’m sorry.” We both blurted out in unison, the smile on his face was better than any answer words could have provided.
“You hiring?” Lindsey took my right hand in to his and closed his fingers around it.
“Why?” I wasn’t the least bit surprised at Lindsey’s new right hand. It was Wolfram and Hart, after all.
“I’m applying for a job.”
“You quit?”
“They won’t know till tomorrow morning.”
“You do know that they’ll still come after you.”
“So? I have enough ammunition against them... We have enough ammunition against them.”
His use of 'we' didn't go unnoticed. “You’re hired.” I thought I would explode from all the contentment in my heart. I wasn't afraid to lose my soul since I had asked Wesley weeks ago to look into the soul-restoration spell Willow cast on me. He had managed to find another spell which would anchor my soul. It might take him a few days to gather the materials, and double check the spell, but he assured me that everything would be fine.
Lindsey seemed a little confused at my sudden change, but he grinned nonetheless. “I have a surprise for you.” He waved the suitcase in his left hand.
“So do I.” I claimed his full lips in a hungry kiss. Whatever his surprise was, it’d have to wait and he didn’t seem to object to that.
~ END ~